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Dr. Cheryl and Maria,
My wife has been out of town and my 12 year old just got her
first period at school the other day. I have no female family
members here so I was clueless as what to do. I can not tell if I
helped my daughter's experience or made it worse.
Distressed Dad
Sparks, Nevada
Dear Dad in distress,
Do you want to talk about it?
The best thing to do is to be as normal and not freaked out
about it as possible.
She probably understands that you are her DAD and not her
mom and there are different expectations of each of you.
Try not to make her worry that you are embarrassed.
My wife has been out of town and my 12 year old just got her
first period at school the other day. I have no female family
members here so I was clueless as what to do. I can not tell if I
helped my daughter's experience or made it worse.
Distressed Dad
Sparks, Nevada
Dear Dad in distress,
Do you want to talk about it?
The best thing to do is to be as normal and not freaked out
about it as possible.
She probably understands that you are her DAD and not her
mom and there are different expectations of each of you.
Try not to make her worry that you are embarrassed.
It is OK if she knows that you are clueless - all daughters know that about their dads.
Given that you just told me this, chances are you are not someone who is freaked out by menstruation,
so I am sure you are doing fine. And even if you aren't doing fine, your daughter is grown up enough now to
understand that you are doing the best that you can.
Just say Hey, what can I do to help?
And she will probably say Nothing! Go away!
I'm kidding, hopefully she will be happy you want to help, but say no thanks. The important thing is that you
offer to help. Thats how girls are. ;-)
*************************************************************************
Dear Dr. Cheryl and Maria,
I'm a single mom with a very limited income and I just found out that my 15 year old son racked up over $800
in charges for internet porn and phone sex. I confronted him and when he finally admitted making the
charges, he claimed to be "addicted to porn." I'm furious and worried and don't know what I should do.
Molly
Seattle, WA
Dear Molly,
First of all, every 15 year old boy is addicted to porn, that's nothing special. The problem is his blatant
disregard of the consequences of his behavior. He knew that the charges would eventually show up and he
would be caught, so what does this tell you?
It tells me that he was looking for a confrontation with you - to get some things out in the open and this is
one way, albeit an expensive way, to do that. Don't be distracted by the content (the sexual nature) of what
he did - address it - but the major issue is that he stole from you and is demonstrating a lack of respect for
you, your family and your relationship.
Make it clear that using your credit card is not only wrong, but also illegal. Make him pay back every cent -
and if you back down on this, expect him to not only disregard you as a parent, but to escalate these
behaviors.
The biggest parenting mistake I made was to "blow off" punishments when I got tired of enforcing them. This
isn't about what is convenient for you - you're the parent and sometimes it's a drag. Even if it takes him until
he is 30, he has to pay you back. It has nothing to do with whether you can afford to pay it, but the fact that
your family budget is tight is another reason why the issue of respect needs to be addressed. He's becoming
a man and men pay their debts and look out for their family. He should be watching your back instead of
going behind it.
As for the porno part -- there is so much porn on the internet for free that he has no business paying for it.
This tells me he wants you to know he did this. Perhaps he is looking to renegotiate how you see him - he's
not a little boy anymore.
Talk to him about how you feel about pornography. Personally, I find much of it to be harmless adult male
entertainment, but I think it can give people (especially young people) a skewed and even unhealthy view of
women and sexuality. There is a seedy, scary element of pornography that worries me and dehumanizes
women - so that's what I tell my kids - to think about what they view and the message it sends. You can't
stop men from wanting to look at porn - that is what men do - but I think it is possible to help them be more
enlightened consumers and perhaps reduce the demand for the ugliest of images.
Given that you just told me this, chances are you are not someone who is freaked out by menstruation,
so I am sure you are doing fine. And even if you aren't doing fine, your daughter is grown up enough now to
understand that you are doing the best that you can.
Just say Hey, what can I do to help?
And she will probably say Nothing! Go away!
I'm kidding, hopefully she will be happy you want to help, but say no thanks. The important thing is that you
offer to help. Thats how girls are. ;-)
*************************************************************************
Dear Dr. Cheryl and Maria,
I'm a single mom with a very limited income and I just found out that my 15 year old son racked up over $800
in charges for internet porn and phone sex. I confronted him and when he finally admitted making the
charges, he claimed to be "addicted to porn." I'm furious and worried and don't know what I should do.
Molly
Seattle, WA
Dear Molly,
First of all, every 15 year old boy is addicted to porn, that's nothing special. The problem is his blatant
disregard of the consequences of his behavior. He knew that the charges would eventually show up and he
would be caught, so what does this tell you?
It tells me that he was looking for a confrontation with you - to get some things out in the open and this is
one way, albeit an expensive way, to do that. Don't be distracted by the content (the sexual nature) of what
he did - address it - but the major issue is that he stole from you and is demonstrating a lack of respect for
you, your family and your relationship.
Make it clear that using your credit card is not only wrong, but also illegal. Make him pay back every cent -
and if you back down on this, expect him to not only disregard you as a parent, but to escalate these
behaviors.
The biggest parenting mistake I made was to "blow off" punishments when I got tired of enforcing them. This
isn't about what is convenient for you - you're the parent and sometimes it's a drag. Even if it takes him until
he is 30, he has to pay you back. It has nothing to do with whether you can afford to pay it, but the fact that
your family budget is tight is another reason why the issue of respect needs to be addressed. He's becoming
a man and men pay their debts and look out for their family. He should be watching your back instead of
going behind it.
As for the porno part -- there is so much porn on the internet for free that he has no business paying for it.
This tells me he wants you to know he did this. Perhaps he is looking to renegotiate how you see him - he's
not a little boy anymore.
Talk to him about how you feel about pornography. Personally, I find much of it to be harmless adult male
entertainment, but I think it can give people (especially young people) a skewed and even unhealthy view of
women and sexuality. There is a seedy, scary element of pornography that worries me and dehumanizes
women - so that's what I tell my kids - to think about what they view and the message it sends. You can't
stop men from wanting to look at porn - that is what men do - but I think it is possible to help them be more
enlightened consumers and perhaps reduce the demand for the ugliest of images.